The Princess Read online

  “Tell me who you want to be,” I say.

  She lifts her head. “The woman you love.”

  Her brown eyes shine with unshed tears. Her cheeks are rosy with emotion. Her lips are plump, quivering slightly. Saphala is beautiful.

  I smile at her. “What makes you think you are not that woman?”

  She bites that plump bottom lip. “You are a warrior. You take life head on and bull right over anyone standing in your way. You deserve a woman who can do that, too, who’s not afraid of her own shadow. One who is pure, and honorable—”

  “Maybe instead of assuming what kind of woman I deserve, you should ask me what kind of woman I want,” I say to her. “You know me, Saphala. I’ll always speak plainly to you.”

  She nods. “Tell me, Faaris. What kind of woman do you want to love?”

  “The kind who loves me above all others. Who will be a guiding light for our children, and a beacon for me to find my way home to. Who understands and supports my duty to the kingdom of Jatani. And I also want one who is her own person, with her own thoughts. Who can challenge me when I’m wrong. Who can keep me on the right path to the heavens.”

  Saphala sniffs delicately. “You deserve all of that, my lord. But I…I cannot be those things. I am none of those things.”

  “Why would you say that? Of course you can be those things.”

  She pulls away from me and stands. “Faaris, I am not who you think I am. I…I’ve been used, horribly. I am not pure. I don’t know if I can ever be intimate with a man again, even one I love to the ends of the earth. And I fear…the slavers may have given me a disease, the kind for which there is no cure. I won’t even know if I am sick until the disease starts to ravage my body.”

  She gives me her back and I just stare at her.

  “I must end this now,” she says, still turned away from me. “Before my heart breaks any further. I cannot take any more pain.”

  Saphala turns back to me, tears spilling down her cheeks. “Please leave, Faaris. Don’t say a word. Just go.”

  I rise. “Saphala—”

  “No,” she says, shaking her head and backing away from me. “I can’t bear to hear anything you have to say. Go.”

  I open my mouth to speak and she yells. “Guards! Guards!”

  Her guards throw the door open, knives drawn. “My lady?”

  “Please escort Faaris back to his chambers.”

  They both raise an eyebrow at me.

  “That’s unnecessary,” I say. I bow low. “I’m leaving, my lady.”

  ***

  It’s late, but I must speak with someone. I cannot puzzle this turn of events out on my own.

  Kai is not in his chambers, so I head to Manoj’s rooms. He’s writing at his desk when I enter.

  “Not another crisis, I hope,” he says, clasping my hand and waving me to a chair.

  “Perhaps not for the kingdom,” I say, “but a personal crisis of sorts.”

  Manoj cocks his head.

  “Do you like Saphala?” I ask him.

  He blinks. “In what way?”

  “Is she good…is she a good choice for me?”

  “I don’t know her that well,” Manoj admits. “Has something happened?”

  “Just answer my question from what you do know,” I say.

  Manoj sits back in his chair and props one ankle over his knee. “She’s beautiful. She has that damsel-in-distress thing going on that I know you’re attracted to. Nilaruna is her close friend, and I respect Nili’s opinion. Saphala’s been a bit emotional since we’ve met her, but she’s been through a huge crisis, so she has a right to that emotion. I haven’t witnessed anything untoward…but you are here for a reason. Tell me.”

  “I do not want to break her confidence, but…she and Nili quarreled tonight. Something about Saphala not being able to be the friend that Nili needs her to be.”

  Manoj steeples his hands beneath his chin. “Nili is a unique person. She’s been able to overcome obstacles in a way I’ve never seen before. But I don’t believe she would expect the same from Saphala, at least, not right now. Nili is extremely empathetic. Maybe it’s just a misunderstanding.”

  I blow out a breath. “You know I’m not a prejudiced person, right? I mean, would you agree that I’m, you know—”

  “Faaris, you are the most open-minded, fair person I know. You accepted Nili without a thought. You rushed to Saphala’s aid despite her status as an untouchable. Why would you question your own heart?”

  I stand and pace. “What if you met a girl who set your body on fire, but she had no legs. Say she had a…a disability that made her unable to go to bed with you.”

  “What?”

  “Just listen. You fell in love with her, but you could never bed her, never have children. Would you marry her?”

  “What does this have to do with—”

  “Just answer the question, Manoj!” I roar. “Would you marry her?”

  “Of course I wouldn’t,” he says. “The point of marriage is to have a family and pass on your name and maintain a legacy. If I loved her and wanted to be with her, I’d keep her as my mistress, or in this case, my sewing companion, but no, I wouldn’t marry her.”

  “You’re impossible!” I yell. “Why are you making a mockery of my dilemma?”

  “Because it’s ridiculous!” Manoj yells back. “How does this in any way relate to you and Saphala?”

  I fling myself back in the chair and sigh. “I’m in love with her, Manoj, or at least I thought I was. She’s the most lovely creature I’ve ever set eyes on. But when she told me…”

  “What? That she had no legs?”

  I crack a smile, then sober. “When she told me that the slavers used her, and there’s the possibility that she has a disease and cannot bed me…I ran. I didn’t know what to say. I still don’t. I cannot pretend this doesn’t change my feelings for her.”

  “Which part?” Manoj asks. “The part about never bedding her, or the part about being used?”

  “Both,” I whisper. “I had a vision about my future wife, and this isn’t it. But it’s not her fault. She was a slave, and she couldn’t help whatever they did to her. But I’m still punishing her for it.”

  Manoj presses his lips together. “You said she and Nili quarreled. Do you think it was over this?”

  “I don’t know,” I say.

  “Think about it. Why would Saphala tell you all this tonight? You haven’t pledged anything to her yet, or made any promises, have you?”

  “No,” I say. “On the trail, I promised to protect her, but I’ve made no pledge of marriage or fidelity.”

  “She wouldn’t be the first woman not a virgin on her wedding night. It’s probable that you would have already concluded she wasn’t pure, because slaves, particularly beautiful slaves, are rarely left untouched. So she should have known that you would have overlooked that. Then there is the possibility of disease. She’s not even sure she’s sick. Why would she tell you of the possibility before she has your pledge? That doesn’t make sense.”

  “Maybe she just wanted to be honest with me,” I say.

  “No,” Manoj says, shaking his head. “She lasted six cycles in hostile circumstances. She knows how to lie and how to survive. Either she wanted you to run away, which I highly doubt, or—”

  “Or what?”

  “Or Nili found out the truth and forced her to tell you.”

  “Nili wouldn’t do that to her best friend,” I say.

  Manoj leans forward. “They were friends years ago, Faaris. They are not the same people anymore. And Nili can detect lies. Remember, Saphala is a true untouchable, born to the caste. She’s been in exile for years, and we know nothing of that time except for what Saphala has told us, which is precious little.”

  “You’re making a huge leap,” I say. “You’re basically calling Saphala a traitor!”

  “I’m not,” he says calmly. “I’m only saying that the possibility is there.”

  “You’re
saying that I need to talk to Nili.”

  “Yes,” Manoj says, nodding. “Nili has the answers.”

  ***

  I leave Manoj and head straight for Nili’s room. I run into Nili and Kai giggling in the hallway.

  “Thank the gods,” I say, throwing an arm around each of them. “I need to speak to both of you.”

  “Not now, Faaris,” Kai says. “Unless the sky is falling, I’m going to fall asleep wrapped around my beautiful bride-to-be.”

  “Your what?”

  Nili grins. “Kai just asked me to be his bride. For real. I said yes!”

  I bow my head. I drop my arms. And I head back to my own rooms.

  “Wait. Faaris!” Nili runs to my side and stops me with a hand on my arm. “What’s wrong?”

  “It’s nothing,” I say, not meeting her eyes. “It can wait. I’ll speak to you both in the morning.”

  “Faaris,” she says, “is it Saphala?”

  I just stare at her.

  “She told you?”

  I nod.

  “Kai, call for some wine. And a sleeping potion.”

  “I don’t need—“

  “Yes, you do,” she says, steering me down the hall to her rooms. We enter, and she seats me in a chair and throws a blanket over my lap.

  “I know more than is proper to tell you,” Nili says, seating herself on a cushion near my feet. “But my loyalty is first to Kai, and thus to you. Any question you wish to ask, I will answer.”

  Someone thrusts a cup of wine under my nose, and I take it and sip. “It’s the sort of knowledge that once I know, I can’t un-know it, right?” I ask sadly.

  “Yes,” she says.

  I sigh. “Was Saphala really sold into slavery?”

  “I don’t know,” Nili says. “Someone paid for her, but I don’t believe she was held captive, which is the word she used. She had access to information, and she made some of her own decisions, at least.”

  I frown. “Has she been with many men?”

  “Yes.”

  “They were forced upon her, yes?”

  Nili winces. I throw the blanket aside and stand.

  “Is she really sick?”

  “I don’t know. But she believes she is.”

  “Do you know what the sickness is?”

  “Yes.”

  “Nili,” I say.

  She sighs. “The Great Pox.”

  I have to catch my breath. The Great Pox is a death sentence. “Is she in league with the traitors?”

  Nili looks at Kai. “We don’t know. But that’s one of the things I intend to ask her about tomorrow.”

  “What do you think?”

  “Saphala may know what’s going on with the rebellion, but I do not think she’d let anyone use her,” she says. “She’s far too willful. She has always had a plan for her life, and if anything, she would use the rebellion in pursuit of her own goals. I believe her goal has always been to marry the prince, but since she cannot do that, she has chosen to pursue you. Does she love you? I don’t know. But how can she not? You’re a man any woman would be blessed to be close to.”

  “I know you,” Kai says, sitting down next to Nili. “You don’t really care about her purity. If you loved her and she had a disease, you’d love her anyway. There’s something else going on here.”

  I sit back down. “I’ve been thinking about proposing marriage. I thought I was in love with her. But I hate myself right now, because I didn’t think about who Saphala was at all. I was thinking that I’d met a beautiful girl, and she needed me, and I could ride in on my white horse and rescue her. And now, reality has set in, and I’m trying to find reasons to stick by her side, and it’s not that she has no redeeming qualities beyond the physical, I mean, surely…but I do not know what they are. I haven’t even looked for them. I am a horrible person.”

  I put my face in my hands and concentrate on breathing.

  “You fell hard and fast,” Kai says. “It happens.”

  “Like you did with Nili,” I say.

  “The difference was that Kai was forced to look beyond my appearance,” Nili says. “In some ways, I’m luckier than Saphala. People are nice to her just because of the way she looks. Men have always doted on her. It must be hard for her to judge who truly likes her and who just likes her pretty face.”

  “That doesn’t make me feel better,” I say.

  “I’m not trying to make you feel better,” she says. “You fell into the trap of lust. You’re just lucky that you’re able to fight your way out.”

  “So you do not think Saphala is worthy,” I say. “Of me, of love, of even your friendship?”

  “I don’t know yet,” Nili says. “I have to get to know her. So far, she hasn’t let me in. It’s up to her, really.”

  A healer enters and brings me a sleeping draught. I down it in one gulp.

  Kai stands and puts a hand on my shoulder. “You just have to put her out of your mind for now,” he says. “It won’t be easy, but we’ll help you through it.”

  He gives Nili a hand and pulls her up beside him. They each grab one of my hands and pull me to my feet.

  “You’re not a horrible person, Faaris,” Nili says, bestowing my cheek with a kiss. “You’re a passionate, caring man. You deserve the very best.”

  I kiss her cheek and shake Kai’s hand.

  And I walk back to my chambers alone.

  VI. NILARUNA

  “Saphala has much to answer for,” Kai says. “Do you think she set a spell on him?”

  “Of course not,” I say. “She doesn’t need to. Look at her. Men run into walls when she passes by. Saphala doesn’t need magic.”

  “I’ve never seen him so besotted,” he says. “Faaris has always been, well, he doesn’t get into relationships.”

  I smile. “You’re forgetting about all of Saphala’s good qualities, besides her appearance, I mean.”

  Kai gapes at me. “You just told Faaris that none of us knows if she has any good qualities.”

  I shrug. “I wanted Faaris to put her out of his mind, because she may be involved in the rebellion, and until we know for sure, I don’t want him entangled with her. But she does have some things to recommend her. One, I put my own honor on the line to rescue her. I valued her as a friend. And I know Faaris respects my opinion. And two, she’s a fighter, which Faaris also respects. No matter the details, Saphala survived six cycles in exile. That’s admirable.”

  Kai toes off his slippers and, without warning, pulls his tunic over his head. I gasp.

  “That’s true,” he says, “but we don’t know that she conducted herself admirably.”

  I try to avert my gaze. “Well, when you…when she…if you’re in a life-and-death situation…you know…sometimes you have to do what you have to do.” Kai approaches me and takes my hand. He rubs his thumb over my scars. “Kai, I think you should…put your clothes back on.”

  “You saw me like this just this morning. In public.”

  “But we’re not in public,” I say. “We’re here, in my chambers, alone, and it was one thing after I almost died, to fall asleep together, but now, when we’re going to be married, and there’s no danger and nothing, you know, no reason, to do that…I, um…”

  “Tell me the truth, Nili,” he whispers. “You fear you cannot resist me, yes?”

  “Yes,” I whisper back.

  Kai laughs. “I won’t let anything happen. I just…I’m still reeling from the day’s events. I want to feel my skin against your skin. Will you give me that?”

  I narrow my eyes at him. “What skin, exactly?”

  “Your choice, my lady.”

  This moment is so completely different than my moments with Maja. With Maja, everything happened naturally, without thought, without want, even. The wanting came as it happened. There was no preamble.

  But with Kai, the want has been building. I’ve been given sweet tastes here and there, and they have fueled my desire. There is no natural progression here — it’s al
l about my choices. I can choose whatever I want.

  I want a wedding night — I know that for certain. But I also want another taste.

  I reach for my veil, but it’s not on my head — it’s wrapped around my waist where I tied it after Kai took it off in the garden. How odd that I didn’t even realize.

  I pull my hand out of Kai’s and take a step back. I grip the bottom of my tunic and pull it over my head.

  Kai drops to his knees in front of me.

  “Every time I think I have you figured out, you surprise me,” he says. He wraps his arms around my waist and lays his cheek on my stomach.

  I run my hands through his hair and hold him to me.

  He stands and picks me up, carrying me to bed. We snuggle up together, his chest firmly against my back, his hands covering my breasts.

  I laugh.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “You found a way to take advantage,” I say.

  He smiles into my neck. “There’s really nowhere else for my hands to go.”

  ***

  A servant girl has a bath ready for me when I wake, and Kai knocks on my door as I’m finishing getting dressed.

  “How’d you sleep?” he asks as she brushes my hair.

  “My best night’s sleep in the palace so far,” I say. “You?”

  “Best night’s sleep of my life,” he says, giving me a wink when the servant turns her back.

  Kai dismisses the girl, and we plan our day while we dine on bread, honey, and melon.

  “I’ve already spoken with Father,” he says. “He’d like us to speak to Mita and Zara as soon as possible. He’s already sent runners to issue the wedding proclamation to every corner of the kingdom, and he’s allowing ships to land. Things should get interesting fast.”

  “Do you think that’s a good idea?” I say. “The ships, I mean? We are assuming the prophecy was fulfilled, but if Mita tried to poison him, she didn’t arrive by boat. There may still be the possibility of danger. Has anyone been able to talk to Shiva?”

  “I’ve called for him,” Kai says, “but he’s not answering. He usually pops in when we’re doing the wrong thing, so if opening the ports is a bad decision, we should hear from him.”

  “And the wedding preparations?” I ask.